Monday, October 5, 2015

If I Stay by Gayle Forman


Obviously there are going to be spoilers. It's pretty much impossible to give an excellent book review without spoilers.

I'm sure you've heard of this book by now, since it was made into a movie which came out over the summer last year. But here's a quick plot rundown for those who might not know.

Mia has a great life - loving family, loving boyfriend, and a great future ahead of her thanks to her mad cello skills. That life is completely altered one day when she and her family are in a horrific car crash. Trapped in limbo while her body lies empty in a coma, Mia has to decide whether to forsake her uncertain future and join her family in death, or embrace the pain of life and continue on.

I'm having mixed feelings about this one, which reminds me of how I felt after I read The Fault in our Stars by John Green. After I finished TFIOS, I felt like what I had just read was supposed to make me feel heart-wrenching grief and think profoundly about life. But what I found myself doing was just crying because all I got from the book was very dark vibes. I've ruminated on it more since and think better of it, but I'm still kind of on the fence about whether I really enjoyed it or not.

That's really a lot like how I'm feeling right now with this book. I had such high hopes for it. I wanted it to really get into the nitty gritty stuff - why is life worth living, especially when you've suffered horrific loss? How do you find the courage to live, to go on? What is worth staying for?

What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?


I found a lot of those questions were left unanswered. In fact, in the end, it is seemingly only her boyfriend Adam's love that brings Mia out of her coma. But the thing is, I barely see a connection between them at all. The book focuses more on her relationships with her best friend Kim and her parents than with Adam. I barely got a sense of who Adam was as a person. There was a lot of telling and no showing. I got that he was a nice guy prone to big gestures and he wasn't afraid to cry and he liked punk rock and was in a band and wore studded jeans and stuff. But frankly when the nurse says that only close family are allowed in to see Mia and Adam acts like she just ripped his heart out of his chest I was like, "What? I don't get it. Why is he acting like that? Did she say some kind of trigger word or something?" Because I didn't see he and Mia as being very close at all. The flashes you do see of their relationship are awkward and platonic. You know they love each other, but it's not really there.

There was also a bit too much focus on the past. I understand that the author wanted to expose the rawness of what Mia had just lost, to understand the depth of her love for her family. But there is no time spent dwelling on thoughts of the future. What will it be like to go on? What are her reasons to continue living? These are things not really discussed at all. Mia just gets more and more tired, losing her will to live until Adam wakes her with his love.

Frankly, I'm actually a little pissed off that romantic love was the only thing worth actually waking up for, not her friends or family staked out in the ICU, refusing to leave her. Romantic love is certainly not to be taken lightly or discarded, but it's just such an age-old cliche - the only thing that saves a girl's life is true love. Examples: Snow White. Sleeping Beauty. Princess Buttercup.


I could go on and on. I mean, this is the reason the ending to Frozen got so much attention - because yeah, Anna was saved by true love. But not ROMANTIC love - the love she had for her sister. Because familial love is just as valid and important as romantic love.

The final problem I have with this book is this: until she finds out Teddy is dead, Mia is emotionally detached from everything. I understand being in shock, but come on. She's trying to decide whether to live or die. Where are the fucking EMOTIONS?? Maybe if she was making some rational pros and cons list and trying to be neutral, I could forgive that. But she is trying to decide if her own life is worth pursuing. That involves a LOT of emotions! Fear, love, anger, more fear - even excitement or anticipation. As much as she reminisces and wonders, she never talks about her feelings. It's a bit ludicrous, honestly.

So, there it is. This book was well written, and there were some incredibly moving parts in it. The relationship Forman crafts between Mia and her family is beautiful and touching. Very specifically, I love the scene where Kim comes to talk to Mia while she's still in her coma. But there are so many things, so many pieces that just don't fall into place. So many points where it falls short of expectations.

I've been in a rut myself, and I was hoping this book had some answers. That it could tell me exactly what it was that made life worth living, that could give someone like Mia the courage to face the abysmal tragedy and move forward. And I didn't find anything remotely like that in these pages.

All in all, I give it 3 out of 5 stars.


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